I was in a bad way and my six-month-old son knew it. I wasn’t
dismissive or angry, just distracted. He could sense the pain in the illness.
He was sympathetic. He wore compassion in his eyes, and empathy on his shoulders.
He stared at me from the bedroom doorway, perched on his mother’s hip, knowing
something was wrong. He searched Anna for an explanation, tightly gripping her
blouse.
“Daddy’s sick,” she assured him, upon which he returned his gaze to me lying
in agony and in cold sweats on the bed.
The natural light was blinding and every blink sent shockwaves through
my head. Standing up, I felt like I was carrying a heavy block of rough granite
on my shoulders. Lying down, it was as though I had no skull – I had never
noticed how hard and sharp the feathers of a pillow could be.
I have viral meningitis. It began with a terrible migraine-type
headache and stiff neck and shoulders. Now, I feel like I’m living underwater.
Sounds are muffled and my brain feels like it’s trying to expand. But I am more
upbeat, and so is Freddy.
While Anna’s noticed Freddy’s mood reflect her health before, I hadn’t
been as aware. Now I am under no doubt he has been born with an innate ability
to empathise. The day I went into hospital he was forlorn. He wanted to be
excitable, but cautiously denied himself the pleasure. He lacked his usual
gusto, with which he’d normally play with his toys, and wouldn’t kick aimlessly
any more (a sure sign of his happiness and playfulness).
It was during my lumbar puncture when I best sensed his awareness of
the situation and his ability for compassion.
I sat on the side of the bed in the emergency department of a local
hospital, the surgeon operating on my lower back behind me, and Freddy facing
me as he straddled Anna’s legs. As the doctor drilled a needle into my spine,
bumping some nerves on his way through that made my legs jolt, I grimaced and
looked down to my boy. His eyes were locked onto mine. They didn’t waver. I
think he sensed I was nervous and he was right.
The following day, as I recovered on the ward, I was in better spirits.
My head felt lighter, my shoulders and neck looser and my hunger was back. My
mood was uplifted, despite my playfulness still being at large. Freddy was
happy, smiling and laughing; I hadn’t heard his laugh for a few days. His mood
had shifted. He was less clingy and more exuberant. He may not have known my
pain, but he knew I was suffering. And he was concerned about that. We’re all
born with that ability.
Beautifully written, Dan, beautifully written.
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